February 2012
2 posts
January 2012
1 post
“The album does not include the James Brown song “People Get Up and Drive...”
– The Spider-Man 3 Soundtrack Wiki Page
I don’t appreciate how Wikipedia rubs how shitty Spider-Man 3 was directly in my face when all I want to do is look up the exact title of the Flamings Lips song The Supreme Being Teaches Spider-Man How to Be in Love which is a great song that is not even...
December 2011
2 posts
November 2011
2 posts
October 2011
1 post
September 2011
1 post
10 tags
“I’m not Jewish, I’m just bad at sports”
– Ivan Hernandez @ SOM Bar (via courtingcomedy)
July 2011
4 posts
The third episode of Red Scott and I’s Game...
Boars, Gore, and Swords: A Game of Thrones Podcast
Fellow comedian Red Scott and I have endeavored to record a podcast in which we recap and discuss the HBO adaptation of George RR Martin’s Game of Thrones. It is called Boars, Gore, and Swords. We are two episodes and several decapitations deep so far.
Here is the iTunes link. Here is the non-iTunes link.
FUN FACT: It was originally to be named Whores, Gore, and Swords, but polite...
June 2011
6 posts
“I told the doctor that I suffered from back pains and depression because lifting...”
– Ivan Hernandez [Paraphrase] (via courtingcomedy)
May 2011
11 posts
“Why do you think I’m so excited about Mimi Rogers?”
“Hey, I...”
– Garry Shandling and Rip Torn, The Larry Sanders Show 3x02 “You’re Having My Baby”
“Look at how he’s walking. It’s like he’s trying to keeping his heart and soul...”
– Mimi Vilmenay as Ivan Hernandez walks down the street. (via courtingcomedy)
Trying and failing, friends, trying and failing.
4 tags
Warfield Haynes and the Bindle of Gold, Chapter 1 ...
The following is a partial text log of the 1982 Infocom text adventure game Warfield Haynes and the Bindle of Gold. It was discovered on the terminal of an Infocom employee who committed ritualistic suicide using a 300 baud modem. Though the log remained, the game program itself was never found.
——————————————-
You...
The Tao of Tank Girl
joegorman:
Ivan: Every girl you date is a variation of Tank Girl, either in mentality or physicality. Me: That’s not true. Ivan: The photo you showed me of Tandy had her holding a grenade. I think Tank Girl was the first hipster.
The other revelation from that day is that every question Joe asks is as intimate as “Did you shit your pants?”
April 2011
5 posts
A fine time was had by all.
courtingcomedy:
The...
Calgary
Blood trickled from the rot bandages strangling my jaw into working order, crimson coalescing in a message scrawled into the snow. “No hope,” it read, though on further inspection it proved to be a note perfect chart of Allied troop movements during the Battle of the Scheldt. On furthest inspection, a badger erupted from its underground cavern and mangled the very tip of my penis, a...
January 2011
1 post
December 2010
2 posts
The Christmas Bastard
As the last of the orphans piled upon me, their diseased and rotting teeth gnashing at my exposed flesh, I could only lament that I hadn’t bashed their precious skulls with a fruitcake.
It was the winter of ’99, a season marked by a precipitous increase in claims of Sasquatch rape. That is, claims of being raped by a Sasquatch, not vice-versa. I mean who has the upper body strength to pull that...
It Never Snows in Hong Kong
Whenever the holidays come around, I think back to the winter of ‘97. I was in Hong Kong at the time, in the final stretch of an internship for Triad crime boss Jimmy Zhang Lao.
It was Christmas Eve, and the mood at the full release massage parlor where we conducted business was dour. The Henan Low Boys had just moved in from the mainland and were hitting all our means of distribution, which...